Change Your Mind, Change Your Life

So, you've decided to make a New Year's Resolution, or maybe just hoped this year will be different. But nearly halfway through the month, you're already discouraged because nothing has changed the slightest. You may have even decided to give up on any goals you'd entertained and to chalk up your aspirations as fantasies that will never be.

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone.

When I divorced my ex-husband, I had plans to start over. I thought that leaving the state, escaping everyone who had bullied and abused me, fleeing the people and places that reminded me of the lifelong abuse I'd endured, would give me the clean slate I needed to heal and be free of all of it.

To some extent, removing oneself from toxic people and situations does give you the mental and physical space you need to heal from them. No matter how much healing you do, though, you still find yourself stuck in some of the same cycles you had intended to escape.

Why? Because, as my favorite saying goes, "Wherever you go, there you are."

We often convince ourselves that a new relationship will be different than those before, that a new location will provide a fresh start, or that some new "thing" will fill the void that has left us feeling empty and unworthy and deficient in the past.

Unfortunately, there is no new person or situation or material thing that will change how you're feeling; because that validation you're seeking needs to come from you.

I'll say it one more time for the people in the back:

YOU are the reason nothing changes in your life and cycles repeat.

The biggest load of 💩 we feed ourselves is that we are victims of other people of circumstances.

That's hard for some people to accept, particularly where abuse and domestic violence are involved. I know because I struggled to accept that myself. After decades of enduring various abuses and even having my life on the line multiple times, I could not conceive of any idea that insinuated accountability on my end for any of it.

But then one day I realized that it wasn't about accepting accountability for the abuse itself, but for allowing the abuse to mean something about who I was and what I was capable of as a result of it.

In other words, I subsconsciously internalized the diminishing and demeaning words that were spoken to me and about me, as well as the corroborating mistreatment, to mean that I was unworthy of better or more than I was given, just as my bullies and abusers intended.

So, I stayed silent. I stayed small. I "flew under the radar," as I often say, to avoid notice and the presumed negative consequences. As a result, I hindered myself from achievements that were easily within reach. I denied myself relationships and opportunities that I had dreamed of. I refused anything and anyone that didn't support the ideas that I was the "nothing" that I was trained to believe I was, because anything beyond that wasn't normal or familiar and therefore scary.

➡️There was actually a study done in 1960 which proved how we remain in helpless situations—by choice—even when there is a way out. Researchers Seligman and Maier shocked the floors of dog cages at various intervals for a period of time. The dogs became accustomed to the shocks, reacting less as time passed. In the final stage of the study, the doors to the dog cages were opened, allowing the dogs to escape the pain of the shocks. What was most shocking, however, was that the dogs remained in their cages. They chose to continue to receive those shocks instead of freeing themselves from the pain.

Why?

💔Because they had become accustomed to the suffering.

💔Because that complacence led to a sense of powerlessness to change their circumstances.

💔Because they truly disbelieved that any action on their part would remove the pain they endured.

Although I vehemently disagree with the way this information was proven, I wholeheartedly believe that anyone who sympathizes with the caged dogs' experience can now better understand how this applies to our human experience.

You see, our brains are not wired for comfort or fulfillment. They're wired for familiarity.

So, we repeat unhealthy relationship dynamics with different people. We show up as the same version of ourselves with all of our unhealed trauma and emotional baggage, but expecting a different outcome with the different person. Or we change the job or the home and find ourselves having the same issues we had in the previous ones.

Then, we either blame the other people for being just like every person before them or we identify ourselves as magnets for misfortune.

But you know what the common denominator is in every situation? It's YOU.

It's YOUR mindset. It's YOUR beliefs about yourself. It's YOUR perpetuation of the beliefs and behaviors that don't best serve the life you truly want for yourself. As such, only YOU can change it all.

The good news is that you can. But you have to take action. Change will not just come to you if you lay on the electrically-charged floor of an open cage like those poor dogs did. You have to pick yourself up and walk towards your desired life, towards that freedom from negativity, to truly free yourself from that old version of yourself and all of those outdated beliefs and behaviors that prevent you from moving forward.

So, take a moment to reconsider what you want to change in your life. Then, create a plan of action. Because you can achieve the life you want. You simply have to choose to, by choosing—and changing—YOU!

➡️➡️➡️For more clarity and direction on this, check out SHIFTING GEARS—THE COURSE, my new, self-guided program to fast track your comeback for only $47.😊

📺➡️➡️➡️Also, check out my latest episode of my Women Thrive Media TV Show and Podcast—SHIFTING GEARS LIVE with Dana S. Diaz—with guest Christine Peine, Subconscious Mind Expert!