From Silence to Self-Respect
Content Note: This post discusses childhood abuse and suicidal thoughts. If you are struggling, please know you are not alone—resources are listed at the end.
September is Suicide Awareness and Prevention Month, and it’s also Self-Improvement Month. This September also marks the first anniversary of my second book, CHOKING ON SHAME: The Scapegoat Child in a Narcissistic Family—a story I never thought I’d survive to tell, one that chronicles the abuse and silence that shaped the course of the first four decades of my life.
The intersection of these seemingly unrelated themes isn’t lost on me. They are threads of the same tapestry—darkness and light, despair and determination, survival and self-respect.
When Existence Itself Felt Too Heavy
In the chapter of CHOKING ON SHAME entitled “Close My Eyes Forever,” I wrote:
“Maybe my angel was better off in Heaven. Maybe we both were. Because I didn’t want to be here without her. The way things were going, I didn’t want to be here at all.”
From a young age, living in despair—just trying to survive—made me question whether I even wanted to exist. Those questions haunted me for years.
It took most of my life to realize I had the power to create a life worth living. But even then, I didn’t yet know how.
The Lies That Shaped My Identity
In another chapter, “Say It Isn’t So,” I described my stepfather’s relentless verbal abuse:
“[He] continued to berate me with his negative assertions every morning, adding that my real dad didn’t want me any more than Mom did. He’d say no one would ever love me, and that I was stupid, incompetent, incapable, and every other diminishing insult between.”
Words can wound as deeply as fists. Over time, I internalized those messages. I carried the belief that I wasn’t meant to exist, that I didn’t belong. Even my mother’s distance reinforced the lie that my presence was somehow a mistake.
As a child, I learned to hide the bruises on my body. But the ones on my heart remained long after the physical wounds healed. And since any expression of my feelings was unwelcome, I silenced myself.
But silence is heavy. Silence convinces you that your pain doesn’t deserve a witness. It tells you to smile when you want to scream, to say “I’m fine” when you’re anything but.
That’s why suicide awareness matters—because the people who appear “fine” are often carrying unbearable weight.
Why Self-Improvement Is a Lifeline
This is also why self-improvement is not just helpful—it’s essential.
But let’s redefine what “self-improvement” means. It’s not about the perfect diet, a flawless workout, or starting therapy. For me, it became about the daily, often shaky choice to show up for myself.
It meant choosing myself when it was uncomfortable, when it came with consequences, when the world told me I didn’t matter.
Self-respect, I’ve learned, is a declaration that you do want to live—and that you want better for yourself. It’s the determination to get your head above water, to stop merely surviving and begin truly living. It’s the beginning of creating a life you love, one you want to keep living.
Three Simple Practices That Changed My Life
Let me share three small but powerful practices that helped me move from surviving to thriving:
A Daily Check-In
Each morning, I ask: What do I need today to feel safe and whole?
Sometimes the answer is big—like setting a boundary. Sometimes it’s as small as resting without guilt or drinking more water. But every day, I ask.One Truth Out Loud
Abuse thrives on silence. Healing thrives on truth. Once a day, I speak one truth, even if only in the mirror. “I am not what they said I was.” “I am worthy.” Over time, speaking truth chipped away at lies and gave me back my voice.One Ask for Help
Reaching out is not weakness—it’s courage. Whether it’s asking a friend for advice, telling someone I’m having a tough day, or seeking professional support, I practice asking. Asking for help is like a muscle: the more you use it, the stronger it gets.
Why This Anniversary Matters
The anniversary of CHOKING ON SHAME is not just a date on a calendar—it is a reminder of what I survived and a celebration of how I now live.
I am proof that pain can be rewritten into purpose.
That silence can be transformed into voice.
That despair can be met with determination.
So, as September shines a light on both suicide awareness and self-improvement, I invite you to see the connection: awareness shows us the shadows, and improvement teaches us how to step back into the light.
A Note for You
If you are struggling, please don’t carry the silence alone. Reaching out is not weakness—it is strength. You deserve to be here. You deserve to heal. And you deserve to rewrite your story, too.
Resources
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.): Call or text 988 for immediate support.
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained counselor.
❤️For the full story, CHOKING ON SHAME can be purchased in print or e-book at https://a.co/d/gN2y8rI .
❤️More on this and related topics can be found on my Substack . Make sure to subscribe while there!
