It’s Not About Why Women Stay—It’s About Why They Don’t Leave
“I can’t believe it was that bad if you stayed for 25 years.”
The recollection of that comment, made by a listener of a podcast I was on in 2023, still haunts me to this day.
I thought I’d been so brave and took quite a risk in sharing the horrific abuses and violence I endured during and after my first marriage. So, to be accused of making it all up recalled all the demeaning and dismissive insults my ex-husband hurled at me back then. It recalled the ways my ex-husband gas lighted and lied to me in an attempt to confuse my memory. The negation of my experience of reality was as traumatic as my ex-husband’s similar efforts to make me question and doubt my perceptions until I resolved myself to being out of my mind altogether.
*️⃣But then I reminded myself of the shocking, but proven, fact that it takes approximately 7 attempts before a survivor permanently leaves an abusive partner.
It seems inconceivable. Yet, I didn’t file for divorce until speaking to the 7th and final attorney over the course of 15 years, so I suppose that’s not a coincidence.
THE REALITY OF WHY WOMEN STAY
The simple answer to why I stayed with an abusive narcissist for 25 years had nothing at all to do with the multitude of abuses I endured. I stayed because:
🔴We had a child.
🔴We had a house (a small farm with livestock, actually, which complicates the division of assets).
🔴I’d found the family I’d always wanted in his family.
🔴I didn’t get married to get divorced.
🔴I was hopeful that our relationship would get better with age, self-improvement, religion, or more effort.
🔴I owed my spouse the opportunities to cooperate in efforts to be better together.
🔴Having been the breadwinner in the household during the last four plus years of the marriage, I also felt an obligation to continue to provide for a husband who had been terminated by his employer after a debilitating work injury.
😔So, to dismantle it all because I wasn’t happy seemed quite selfish.
As women, in particular, we are taught by Baby Boomer parents and grandparents that our needs and wants come after everyone else’s. It is our job to care for and nurture children and spouses and to ensure the home front is pleasing to all who reside there. Yes, this is an antiquated role expectation, but one many of us were raised to believe was rightful and still operate under today.
Adding in the abuse and domestic violence, however, the reason I stayed came down to one specific hindrance: FEAR.
💜 Fear of what he would do if I did leave.
💜Fear of whether he would fulfill his threats to take my son, saying I’d never see my son again.
💜Fear of whether my teenage son would even come with me if I left.
💜 Fear of whether I could support us all if we lived in two separate households.
💜 Fear of the effects of the divorce on my son.
💜 Fear of having to answer questions people wouldn’t like the answers to, and which would bring me shame and embarrassment.
💜 Fear that I wouldn’t be any happier after all the trouble after all.
None of this takes into account the added complexity of the trauma bond, which has more chemical implications in the brain than the emotional attachment presumed.
💔It should also be noted that “the time surrounding leaving their abuser is the most dangerous time for a victim,” according to the Domestic Violence Service Network, because “risk of lethality is severely increased if the abuser feels they are losing control over the victim.”
So, leaving isn’t always the answer—at least not the safest answer. That doesn’t mean it’s not, either.
What is the resolution then?
➡️Awareness. We need to have more information and conversations about what abuse and domestic violence entails, what options victims have for shelter and provisions if they do leave, and legal resources to ensure safety and custody of minor children and pets beyond the abusive household. Such resources will abate most of the concerns victims have about leaving.
➡️Listen. Create safe, nonjudgmental space for victims who summon the courage to admit their circumstances to you. They don’t need convincing or urging. They just need to release the pent-up emotions to someone they feel they can trust—and that trust doesn’t come easily after what they’ve experienced.
➡️Provide access to resources, only to the extent that you are comfortable doing so safely. You might show the victim where domestic violence hotline numbers are displayed in the local library or recommend a podcast episode that particularly resonated with what the victim might need to hear. At my in-person appearances, I offer bookmarks with hotline numbers on them and have left them anonymously where a known victim might see it. Just remember that you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
➡️Finally, let’s ask victims the more appropriate, less shameful question, which is, “Why don’t you leave?” That will tell you everything you need to know about how you can help that particular woman.
If you find this article helpful, I hope you will consider reading my full story as told in the first and bestselling book in my memoir trilogy:
GASPING FOR AIR: THE STRANGLEHOLD OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE
Available on Amazon, Audible, and Kindle, or anywhere else books are sold online.
