The First Red Flag Rarely Feels Like Abuse
The first red flags of an abusive relationship rarely appear that way at first.
Yet, more often than not, survivors of abuse and domestic violence look back at what they missed and feel foolish for having fallen for the lure of what seemed to be love.
You didn't miss the red flags, though. 🚩
You just misinterpreted them.
Let me explain.
People usually put their best foot forward in the beginning of a relationship. They are mindful of their words. They are intentional about how they appear and what they do. They want to present the best of themselves that they have to offer in whatever dynamic they are seeking to enter into.
It's this initial love-bombing phase that makes us feel like we've found that person—the one who sees us and wants us and loves us like no other, because . . .
💗The excessive attention feels like adoration.
💗The passion feels romantic.
💗The jealousy feels like the wanton and covet we've never experienced before.
💗And the constant monitoring feels like protection.
Until one day, it doesn't.
The mask slips here and there, in subtle moments hidden within the whirlwind of the love and the chaos of life. So, you feel it. You notice that things aren't exactly how they were. You presume it's just the natural progression of the relationship into a more comfortable and realistic stage. The love, your sense of yourself, your hope for the return of those initial feelings, slowly erode into doubt, fear, and worry that you've done something to lose their interest. So, you desperately strive to be everything they want and need and then some, because you think it will earn back the love and treatment you were once worthy of before.
I know. Because I've been there.
This is the cross road between succumbing to that unworthiness, wherein you remain stuck in that trauma bond, forever chasing their approval, jumping through their hoops to earn love, and enduring the mistreatment because you eventually believe you deserve it;
OR
You see the person and relationship dynamics—the control, isolation, manipulation, and coercion—for what they really are, at which point you attempt to exit the relationship, which often becomes more volatile out of the person's desperation to keep you stuck in their lair.
It's never easy to make this decision.
On the one hand, no one wants to ever feel trapped in a relationship where they are not valued and cared for. It affects mental health, physical health, and the lives of the children and families intertwined as a result of the relationship. The emotional exhaustion alone can debilitate a person's ability to function normally.
On the other hand, no one ever wants to stay in a relationship simply because the consequences of ending it present more stress and risk—not just to oneself, but to others.
So, what is there to do?
#1 GIVE YOURSELF GRACE
Judging and shaming yourself is not productive. You've already endured enough. So, acknowledge that your open heart let someone in who is/was not capable of handling it with the care and consideration you deserve.
#2 REMIND YOURSELF OF WHAT YOU TRULY WANT IN LIFE
We get so caught up in the daily dynamics of life—balancing work with what our kids need and what our partners want and what our families might expect—that we forget about the dreams and desires we have had for ourselves. We sideline those things in deference to others' happiness. So, it's time to remember that we deserve fulfillment, too.
#3 DECIDE HOW TO PROCEED
This isn't about burning your entire life down and cutting off everyone you know. This is about taking one step at a time, making the next best decision at every choice point, towards the people and things that bring you hope, encouragement, and positive outlook for the future.
As they say, "Rome wasn't built in a day."
But your desired future, the life you truly want, CAN be built ONE BRICK AT A TIME.
➡️If any of this resonated with your own experience or with that of someone you know, get the first 2 chapters of my best-selling and multi-award-winning debut memoir GASPING FOR AIR: THE STRANGLEHOLD OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE, for free at DanaSDiaz.com.
GASPING FOR AIR is available on Amazon, Audible, and Kindle.📖
✨And when you're finally ready to move forward from a toxic relationship, begin that journey with JUMPSTART—a self-paced guide to reclaiming your voice, your boundaries, and your life, in just a few hours.
"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." -Unknown
So, choose yourself. Now. Because every breath is an opportunity to be better, happier, and healthier than you've been.💗
