When Unprocessed Grief Hijacks Happiness

June 4th marks the 3rd anniversary of the release of my debut memoir GASPING FOR AIR: THE STRANGLEHOLD OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE, which exceeded my hopes of reaching one person who needed to read its message.

😁It was a #1 New Release on Amazon.

😁It was a #1 Best-Seller in 3 categories on Amazon.

😁It won 2nd place in 2 categories in the 2025 Book Fest Awards.

😁Then, it won "Best Memoir of Hope and Resilience" just last month from The Prestigious International Hope Book Awards.

😁The PIHB Awards also named me as a finalist for 2026 Author of the Year!

To say I'm humbled is an understatement.

However, even with all of this success, there has been tremendous grief.

GASPING FOR AIR was developed from a journal I kept hidden under the couch cushion in the basement during the Covid pandemic, when I was sheltered-in-place with my (then) husband who was telling people he planned to kill me.

After enduring 24 years of narcissistic abuse and physical threat from him already, I wasn't so sure he wouldn't succeed.

So, delving into the details of my relationship with my ex-husband with such open and raw inhibition, reopened the emotional wounds left behind well after the divorce and his violent revenge.

But, do you know what else I was left with?

💔The memory of what was.

💔The hope of what could have been.

💔The pain of his betrayals.

💔The wonder of how our son would be affected long-term.

💔The loneliness of abandonment by those who didn't believe me.

💔The judgment of those who didn't approve of me exposing the truth.

💔The shame of having ignored all of the red flags.

💔The regret of allowing someone to mistreat me so badly.

💔The foolishness of thinking he might mature or change.

💔The uncertainty of knowing who I am beyond a victim of abuse and domestic violence.

💔The desperate hope that I was indeed worthy of better in the future.

There is so much to grieve when a relationship ends.

Writing about it all certainly helped me begin to see the patterns and dynamics that allowed me to forgive myself for what I tolerated and what I didn't know, and begin to heal.

Yet, so much of the grief remained and resurfaced on the brink of releasing my memoir, inhibiting the joy of being a newly published author.

People told me to "move on" or "let it go," regardless of whether they supported my mission to create awareness or shamed me for speaking truths that were meant to remain behind closed doors.

Neither gave consideration for the space and time I hadn't had or taken to process the tremendous grief of the divorce and the resulting loss of that entire life and the identity I had carried within it for 25 years.

On my May 13th episode of SHIFTING GEARS LIVE, guest Dr. Karen Kramer shared her thoughts about why people are so uncomfortable acknowledging grief in themselves and others:

"It's actually written into our Declaration of Independence . . .that pursuit of happiness . . . that if it's not happy, it is not good. If it's not happy, it's something that is broken. If it's not happy, it's something that needs to be fixed.

And so when you're talking about suppression, many . . .suppress because I'm seen as bad or wrong or broken or need to be fixed.

So part of my platform is let's get out and talk about those things that are grief-related or challenge our identity, whether it is the the loss of a loved one through a death or the loss of a loved one through the divorce, or even as we're talking about—getting into domestic violence—which is also a loss of our identity in many different ways. Let's have those deep conversations in a way without it being something so taboo."

Dr. Kramer's insight about internalizing deficiency in times of grief resonated with what I felt upon the release of my first book, as well as the panic I felt the first time I took a major stage to tell my story.

You see, I had been conditioned to remain silenced. So, although my books and stage talks have impacted thousands worldwide, I carried the grief of disappointing people into situations that gained me accomplish and acclaim, thereby inhibiting the joy and pride of achievement.

This grief continues in my life today, when I find myself celebrating my achievements alone or with social media followers I may never meet.

Because here, in my "real life," I am still being shamed and exiled for speaking my truth—something I will never apologize for, but something I struggle to find peace with when I was the victim in every abusive situation I found myself in.

🎙️For more on Dr. Karen Kramer's insights on grief, watch her guest interview on SHIFTING GEARS LIVE with Dana S. Diaz.

📚Then, go to danasdiaz.com to download the first 2 chapters of GASPING FOR AIR: THE STRANGLEHOLD OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE, available on Amazon, Kindle, and Audible.