Why I Stayed in an Abusive Marriage for 25 Years—and What Finally Made Me Leave
Six years ago, I was still married to my first husband—an abusive narcissistic drunk who used physical and legal threat and financial drain to prevent me from leaving him.
The actual marriage had been over well before that. Red flags were present the moment I met him twenty-five years previous. Still, I not only married him—I chose to stay in that sufferance for over a decade longer than I wanted to.
Since publishing my best-selling and multi-award-winning debut memoir GASPING FOR AIR: THE STRANGLEHOLD OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE, the question podcast hosts have asked of me more than any other is:
Why did you stay?
They don't understand the logic of staying in an abusive relationship, especially when one doesn't want to remain in it.
But relationships aren't logical. They're emotional.
So, I often reply, "Why does anyone stay?"
Because you have built a life with that person.
Because you have a child together who deserves two parents.
Because your finances are tied up in mortgages and car payments, leaving little room to afford a second household.
Because your families are intertwined.
Because society and religion and families tell you to try to make it work.
Because you knew the truth about the person you married, before you married them.
But you thought you could make them love you enough to stop hurting you.
You thought they'd mature as they got older, or see the error in their ways.
You thought having kids would soften their hearts.
You thought they'd eventually realize that you all deserve better.
But then one day, you realize that the person you've been hoping, waiting, and wishing to change, isn't going to change.
So, the change has to come from you.
That was the hardest part for me—trying to wrap my head around the idea of being the "bad guy" for ending the marriage, when I was the victim of an angry ego I was primarily privy to.
I was afraid to initiate separation or divorce because there were always consequences for going against him or offending his entitled ego.
He always hit me where he knew it would hurt, too.
He had already removed me from my own family, which wasn't hard because of the strained relationship between me and my abusive stepfather and submissive mother.
My ex had also removed me from his when he decided that they liked me more than him, according to his own admission.
So, all I had left was my son—the one person I would lay my life down if it came down to it—and we both knew I would not leave without that kid.
Well, I did.
In August of 2020, I spoke to the 7th attorney I'd contacted since 2005. But this time, I pulled the trigger.
We were divorced 3 weeks later. No contest. No alimony. No child support. Not even partial custody to our son. Which was all fine with me, so I didn't have to have contact with him beyond that.
Unfortunately, the relationship didn't end there. But the woman he'd married had long left the role she'd played for so long.
You see, I wasn't the same after all that. I had changed despite him.
💕I began to honor my own wants and needs, instead of waiting for others to do so.
💕I built boundaries around the aspect of my life and the people I value.
💕I had lost everything and everyone I had been afraid to lose, so I had nothing left to fear, which created confidence like none I'd ever had.
As a result, I made decisions that aligned with what I felt in my heart and supported the new life and version of myself I was building.
So, the version of me who survived that abusive childhood and equally awful marriage wouldn't recognize the fearless woman I've become; and that's a good thing.
✨The point of life, I've realized, is to grow and evolve.
As you do, you show up differently in relationships, including the one you have with yourself.💗
People who choose to remain the same don't understand this, which is why they'll never see you differently than they already do.
But their perception of you isn't your business.
Only you get to decide who you are and what you're worth.
And when you do, everything changes.✨
💻For the full story on that narcissistic romantic relationship, go to danasdiaz.com and enter your email to get your FREE download of the first 2 chapters of GASPING FOR AIR: THE STRANGLEHOLD OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE. Available on Amazon, Audible, and Kindle.📚
For those who are ready to rise after an abusive relationship. take the Power Shift Diagnostic QUIZ on my website to see where you could use a few shifts to take your power back.
Then, start your journey back to yourself by choosing one of my self-guided or supported courses TODAY!
