Adult Bullying: Why Grown Adults Bully—and Why It Says More About Them Than You
I was bullied in grade school, then again in high school.
Kids made fun of the clothes I wore and told me they couldn't play with a "bastard child." Then they made fun of the silver caps I had on my teeth and laughed at my overbite. As I grew older and started developing, comments shifted towards my body and my appearance, never being quite enough of anything, but being spit on and attacked regardless.
None of this behavior is acceptable. However, it's expected (to some extent) from children who haven't developed a healthy sense of themselves and have to seek esteem by robbing others of it.
What I was never prepared for was the bullying I've experienced as an adult, by people in their 20s through 60s, who are intent on causing me emotional distress by attacking me on personal and professional levels.
According to a Harris poll survey performed in 2017 for the American Osteopathic Association,
1 in 3 adults report being bullied . . .by other adults.
➡️That's more than the 1 in 5 adolescents who are reportedly bullied.
What I find interesting about this statistic is that it is identical to that of the 1 in 3 women globally who endure intimate partner abuse and domestic violence.
As if being a woman weren't hard enough, multiple studies have demonstrated that females are 65% more likely to experience adult bullying from a female perpetrator.
All in all, a third of women are being abused by their partner and another third by women they know socially.
But that still leaves the question:
Why would a grown adult intentionally try to hurt another person?
In many cases, bullying can serve a psychological purpose for the person doing it. Rather than confronting their own insecurity, shame, jealousy, inadequacy, anger, or lack of control, they externalize those uncomfortable feelings and direct them toward someone else.
In other words, they attempt to make someone else carry what they don't want to confront within themselves.
Which is why they are:
Deceptive: Spreading rumors, distorting facts, or presenting themselves as having personal knowledge about someone in order to make their accusations appear credible.
Cruel: Continuing behavior despite knowing—or simply disregarding—the emotional harm it may cause.
Domineering and Controlling: Using intimidation, humiliation, exclusion, or threats to establish power and discourage others from challenging them.
Manipulative: Justifying their behavior, shifting blame, portraying themselves as the injured party, or claiming the victim somehow caused or deserved the attack.
We don't need to understand or excuse someone's pathology in order to see the destructive nature of it. Sometimes, all we can do is prevent the destruction . . .within ourselves.
What I can share from my own personal experience being bullied by multiple adult females is that the personal and professional attacks have nothing to do with the victim—they are desperate confessions of the bully's own beliefs about themselves.
Subconsciously, bullies cannot accept nor take accountability for their own feelings of shame, ineptitude, insecurity, and so forth. So, they seek to fulfill their self-esteem by taking it away from others.
They shame, ridicule, criticize, insult, and humiliate, to make their victims feel what they feel inside. It's sort of a transfer of energy, so to speak, removing it from themselves and projecting it onto others so as to avoid dealing with their own inner conflict themselves.
These narcissistic attacks hijack the victim's nervous system, causing emotionally intense reactions that give the bully's ego a sense of power they don't feel over themselves or their own lives.
Strangely, however, it's the victims who suffer mental and physical distress, and seek the help of professionals who would be doing society more of a favor by working with the antisocial and sociopathic personalities creating this social chaos.
So, if you are or have been the victim of adult bullying, as I am, remember this:
✨Nothing they say can change who you are or the life you've built.
It's okay to feel the pain of their words and actions. It's okay to cry and isolate for a bit while you process it all. Just don't let any of it mean anything about you.
Keep moving forward. Keep doing what you're doing. Even if they keep bothering you.
There are over 7 Billion people in this world. Surely, you have others or will find those who see you, support you, and applaud you for being exactly who you are.💗
📞988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 if the bullying has led to an immediate emotional crisis or thoughts of self-harm.
When you're ready to build boundaries, cultivate confidence, and decide with more discernment, go to danasdiaz.com and click "Courses" on the top left.
Specifically created for those wanting to overcome bullying and abusive situations, the JumpStart and Power Up programs are afforded and self-guided, providing you actionable tools you can put to use beginning today, to move through life with more confidence and assurance that will allow you to feel less bothered by those who don't value you.
Then, follow me for more tips on how to deal with difficult personalities, and developing a healthier relationship with yourself.
