Grateful for the Painful Past
Can you be grateful for a painful past?
I am.
💔Despite the emotional neglect, verbal abuse, and physical abuse inflicted by my mother and her husband.
💔Despite the psychological warfare and domestic violence I endured in my twenty-five-year-long relationship with my abusive narcissistic ex-husband.
💔Despite the rejection and abandonment of dozens of family members when I finally spoke my truth.
Yes. I am eternally grateful for all of it. Let me tell you why.
Having an absent mother forced me to be self-reliant. I had to get myself up and ready for school in the morning, and then make sure I did my homework and feed myself dinner afterward. I had to find transportation to viola and dance lessons or ride my bike there myself. And when I needed soothing—from a nightmare or a breakup with a boy—I had to work out my emotions on my own.
Of course, I would have preferred a doting and caring mother. But then I wouldn't be as independent and capable and responsible as I am as a result.
Having an abusive stepfather taught me to trust people's actions above all else. Even at the tender age of 5, I understood what it meant when a man used his hands to intimidate and threaten me into submission and then punish me whenever I stood up to his offenses. That wasn't love. That wasn't even care.
People can say anything. Actions don't lie, so I interpret relationships through the perspective of deafness.
Spending 25 years with a man who couldn't love me (nor himself) made me realize that I had to love myself. I thought he would give me the love my mother and stepfather chose not to. When he didn't, I attached myself anxiously to anyone who showed me the slightest kindness or consideration. Many were scared off by the clingyness; and I was heartbroken by the rejection. Left to myself as I was in childhood, I rekindled my relationship with myself.
Loving myself opened the door for the pursuit of passions and dreams I'd left behind for others.
Being exiled from dozens of family members showed me who truly cared about me, and who didn't. Those who shamed me for refusing to tolerate the abuse, for being disloyal by dissociating from my abusers, and for choosing myself over the abusive circumstances that were causing severe deterioration of my physical health, are NOT my people. Their ability to just discard me like a piece of garbage proved exactly what I was worth to them, which was nothing.
As sad as that was, I realized that "family" didn't equate to unconditional love. Unconditional love was best felt by those who stood with me through the worst moments; and didn't fade away when I was at my worst.
✨Overall, these life lessons brought me into the love and life of the woman I have become as a result of it all.✨
"That didn't mean it didn't hurt," I wrote in the Afterword of RISING FROM THE ASHES: Breaking the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse (the final book in my memoir trilogy). But "I couldn't deny that I had learned strength, self-reliance, and authenticity from seeing all the same attributes in her. Even my core value of truth was owed to lessons I'd learned as a result of how she'd treated me. So, I couldn't reject those aspects of her when I was trying to honor the same in myself now."
So, I hope you are inspired to rethink whatever has hindered you from living in the present and living the joyous and full life you deserve now and in the future. Because life will continue to happen. But self-love and appreciation for these opportunities to learn and grow will make the biggest difference in who you become as a result of what you've lived through.💖
➡️For more on my personal journey in overcoming the past, check out RISING FROM THE ASHES: Breaking the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse, available on Amazon, Audible, and Kindle.
➡️Then check out the companion article on my Substack!
