What I Really Missed After Narcissistic Abuse

After being interviewed about the narcissistic abuse I experienced in childhood and then again in the twenty-five-year-long relationship with my first husband, every question had been asked . . .or so I thought.

"Do you miss him—your ex?" a podcast host asked.

😮I pulled my head back instantaneously.

How could I miss a man who put me through psychological Hell, financially and sexually abused me in between infidelities he would brag about, smeared my name behind my back to discredit me, and then planned to kill me after our divorce?💔

But when I thought about it . . .there were times when he wasn't drunk, violent, aggressive, or angry . . .times when I felt a glimmer of hope that he wasn't the monster he acted like more of the time . . .times when I could forget everything that had happened and laugh and joke with him . . .

So, maybe I did miss him.

Or was it just the hope of what our relationship could have been if he wasn't . . .him?

In May's episodes of SHIFTING GEARS LIVE, Dr. Karen Kramer, best-selling author of Healthy Grief: Normalizing and Navigating Loss in a Culture of Toxic Positivity, shared that grief is felt in both the big, traumatic moments in life, but also in the daily losses we experiences—one of those being the grief of a life one thought one would have.

That was exactly it. That's what I missed—the life I thought I would have with him.

It was the promises he'd made. The life we'd envisioned having together. The hopes of what could be and the dreams of what might come.

But it wasn't him I missed. It wasn't the relationship I mourned. It was the fantasy of the life I'd always hoped for—filled with unconditional love, lifelong support and companionship, strong family bonds, and attraction and adoration that extended beyond the physical.

As in any narcissistic relationship, my ex had sold me my dream with love bombing and false promises, then created a trauma bond through the waves of loving and hateful words and acts, until my entire existence hinged on his every whim and word.

So, I was grieving after the divorce, and then again after his final move out of our marital home where I remained with our son. However, I was grieving something that never existed—the hope of the man I thought he could be and the life he said he would give me.

Feeling duped made the grief harder to process, since it could have been avoided if only I hadn't been so desperate for the love and affection he'd offered in the first place.

However, as Dr. Kramer suggests, we must offer ourselves self-compassion during these times of grief, to avoid the pitfalls of shame and judgment, particularly of ourselves.

In fact, part of her framework for moving through grief is to accept it all in a way that doesn't implicate some deficiency in ourselves as cause. In other words, we can hold those good memories in our heart while still acknowledging the unhealthy dynamics that ultimately ended the relationship, without placing blame or fault. We simply acknowledge what we feel, express those emotions so they don't manifest into physical illness, and then we move forward.

So, if you ever find yourself smiling at a memory or laughing as you tell some story from back then . . .it's okay.

You can choose to find the joy in the better moments that did exist, instead of standing firm in the hatred for the injustice.

For, love is always the answer—and that love starts with you.

📚For more on my first marriage to an abusive narcissist, my best-selling and multi-award-winning debut memoir GASPING FOR AIR: THE STRANGLEHOLD OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE, is available on Amazon, Kindle, and Audible.

➡️You can download the first 2 chapters immediately by visiting danasdiaz.com.

📺Then, check out Dr. Karen Kramer's appearance on SHIFTING GEARS LIVE with Dana S. Diaz on YouTube!